Grumpy Pants

10 Weeks Tomorrow!!

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. I think it’s all to blame on this new healthy diet I am trying. It does not agree with my temperament and it does not make hubby and I’s lives all ‘smooth sailing’ like usual. I. Am. Cranky. All the time. Salads fruits and vegetables (with occasional meat) aren’t cutting it. I want Twinkies, I want ice cream, brownies, hamburgers, French fries, doughnuts, and gummy bears. Nope. None for me. I keep reminding myself I’m doing it for the baby but it’s not really helping hen the baby wants candy too. I understand moderation, but I also understand myself. I'm a ‘give me an inch’ type of person and my resolve is only strong as long as my plan is absolute. Plus I feel insanely guilty and feel like I’m harming Gummybear when I eat or so much as smell unhealthy food. I have never dieted before in my entire life. Ever. I'm 5’7 and prebabies 115lbs. That does not scream weight issues and food problems. In fact the opposite, I used to get asked if I was anorexic. No to all.

Next Thursday is the fasting blood sugar test and I’m going to ask them to Doppler the heartbeat for me to calm my nerves, because I will already be in the office anyway. I have to also remember to ask for a prescription this time for a Doppler. Last time it completely slipped my mind. Next Friday is my diabetes learning class. I really want to tell my mother because she has dealt with my brother’s since he was 7. She’d have advice etc… but then I’d worry her and have to tell her I was pregnant again. Not yet.

What else what else… week 9 feelings this last week. Besides grumpy. I think my body is used to its passenger now and I don’t feel screamingly pregnant anymore, I guess it’s just routine now. I remember with Max around this point I felt the same and I was terrified it meant I had lost the baby and I freaked out.  My skin is also really clearing up. I can see a glimmer of the perfect skin I had almost a year ago before this journey started... its gotta be a girl! Other than that, my bump is getting harder to hide. Someone is going to guess soon. 

(please ignore the crooked picture on the wall. and the fact that I'm not wearing makeup and look like a zombie)

Tea Party And Wicked Weekend

This last Saturday was my dear friend’s bridal shower. At a tea house! There were only 7 of us but that made it all the more special and fun. Walking in, this tea room was quaint and exactly what you’d picture when you think ‘tea party’. Each place setting was set with a unique and individual plate and unmatching cup and saucer, I chose a blue English looking plate next to the bride and prepared to enjoy the experience. This tea house probably fits 30 people and besides the 7 of us there was an Asian baptism party that made me feel very not-Asian. We had to choose three tea blends to come out during our ‘meal’ from a list and description and then wait for it to begin. The tea lady brought out our first two pots and we got to giggle over “one lump or two” and ‘pinkies up’ tea rituals. The food tiers came out and all of us started drooling. Everything looked amazing. Sandwiches without crust (of course) scones, fruit, and jam cookies. Delicious. After eating our fill and having our tea pots replenished with various types of tea the bride opened her gifts and I made her the rehearsal bouquet from the ribbons. She got a ton of really great things, and looks like she had cleared out Crate & Barrel at the same time. After everyone else left she and I had a mini date to catch up and sat on a bench and talked for several hours. She asked if I was pregnant and I told her no. I felt bad for lying but we are only 9 weeks and I didn’t want to give the game up yet. I did tell her when we are we aren’t going to tell anyone. So maybe she read between the lines. I left in time to go home, change my shoes and necklace then head out with the hubs to see Wicked!

Ahhh the greatest show! As I started typing this I went to youtube to listen to “Defying Gravity.” (I typed that as Defying Gravy the first time. Changes the song a bit…) The show was downtown, with is insane on a Saturday night, so parking was a nightmare. I finally decided it wasn’t worth it and we paid $10 to park in a structure. We showed up 20 minutes early and killed time splitting a brat and sauerkraut to tide us over until dinner after the show. I also had granola bars in my purse for intermission if needed. And candy, because who doesn’t like candy. Our seats were great. The tickets were a gift for our bdays a year and a half ago, so we were on the floor.  Ahhhh it was sooooo good! Even the hubs really enjoyed it. And he doesn’t like musicals. I sang along softly to the good songs and then talked hubs ear off during intermission about everything I love. He even said he’d want to go see it again in the future. That’s bug praise from him!!! I told him our kids would prob do it in high school because it’ll be released to schools by then. Scary thought. After the show we went to our favorite noodle place for drunken noodles. The only kind of drunk I get… we eve finally got recognized as regulars!  And we talked about the show until we went home at midnight.  The end. Sunday we made beef stew. I’ve been craving it. Delicious.

Time To Update

Ladies and Ladies. We have a heartbeat!!!! We are officially due Jan 27th and are 8w6 today! Our doctors appt on Wednesday went swimmingly. We even got to go in early! I was a bundle of nerves on the way over and once we were waiting for the magical dildo-cam wand to show us the baby, but that’s to be expected. We had a wonderful midwife who seemed just as happy and excited for us to see our baby as we were. And there (she) was! Gorgeous and squid looking. The most beautiful baby ever.  The sent us straight from the camera room to the lab for –surprise- MORE BLOODWORK!! Sadly I got a call yesterday that said my A1C is 5.7, 5.6 is the last normal number they take before its ‘prediabetes’.  Yaaaay. I have to call and schedule a informational/educational class about what this means. But I think I’ll wait until after my July 5th blood appointment gets done and ill ask them to re run my A1C. My brother is diabetic so I pretty much know a ton about it. I wonder if I even need the class. They’ll give me a food pyramid and exercise suggestion and then spend an hour going over things I already have lived with (albeit through my brother). Hubby and did go on a walk last night for exercise. The longest 1.5 miles of my life! I’m not cut out for this!!

Weekend Continued

Saturday, or as I like to call it… sleep-most-of-the-day- day. One late wake up later I got down to the business of making the dress I planned to wear that night on our dinner cruise to celebrate a wonderful two years married. Sewing a dress sounds a lot more sew-tastic than it was. Granted I messed up about 6 times and had to redo redo redo. The dress started as an XL tee shirt and ended as a quite short dress. 

It took 5 times longer than thought, so I was sewing right down to the wire. Right around the time I was wrapping up in time to hit the showers hubs called from down the street with his friend wanting to show him our house. I had a mini tantrum on the phone about the state of the house and the fact that I will put on pants for no one. My outfit that day was hubs tee shirt and I wasn’t going to change that. Needless to say the friend did not come over. I apologized to hubs when he came in for being a bear and snapping and then hit the showers and dressed. 

Our cruise. Wonderful wonderful. The three hour dinner cruise took us all around the harbor and included a scrumptious dinner and dancing. I got filet mignon- my favorite food group ever- and crème brulee for dessert. The meal was really spaced out to allow time for dancing and sight seeing on the deck, 6:30 board, 7:00 appetizer, 7:30 salad, 8:15 dinner, 9:00 dessert, 10:00 disembark. Neither of us dance, so that portion of the evening was people watching and enjoying other people’s dancing. We took a predessert break and went up to the top deck to watch the cityscape and to be up top when we went under the bridge. By the time 10 rolled around I was stuffed and exhausted. A most wonderful second anniversary to us.

We headed home and then proceeded to watch not just the one Downton Abbey we had planned but all three. That kind of bedtime made it very likely we would miss church the next day. We did.

This IS SeaWorld, It's As Real As It Gets.

What to say first.. I feel like a world has happened since I excitedly posted about my imminent trip to SeaWorld.. I'll start there.  SeaWorld: hubby was under strict instructions to come home early so we could be there not a minute past 6 when we could get in. We had special radio-event tickets from 6-11 so we had to wait until later to go. Otherwise hubs would have called in 'sick.' The good news was because it was late parking was free instead of $14. All right, now we're in. We picked up a map and raced to the Clyde and Semore show because the time slot only showed one more show that night (it wasn't right but that's ok) I sat with a little kid like grin on my face watching the silliness before the show and then the show itself, every two minutes I would glance at hubs to make sure he was just as enthralled as I was. He wasn't, but that's because I don't think it's possible. After the worlds shortest 25 minute show I got my second wish of the night. All the overpriced food my heart could handle. I chose BBQ and we split the combo with ribs, brisket, and chicken and I ate!! I ATE!! Substantially for the first time in days!!! While I devoured the food I also kept one eye on the clock because the Shamu Rock show was at 7:30. We picked up a guilty pleasure (funnel cake) on the way to the stadium and with all the powdered sugar I managed to get all over my face while eating and walking I'm sure I looked like I had a drug problem. We made it (I may have had a stitch in my side from the brisk pace I set- I maaaaay need to exercise more) to the stadium and it was packed! Hubby is a "after you, and you, and you, and you" kind of person when it comes to crowds so I turned around and he was 20 people behind me. I waited for him and we grabbed seats in the splash zone... More like sprinkle zone for us. The show was meh, and the last three minutes werent whale tricks, but a guitar solo by some dude who looked like a chick. WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WHALES!?!? I felt a little jipped but recovered a bit when the wales splashed half the tank of water on this older gentleman trying to run before they splashed him. He lost. Epically. After filing out we toured turtle reef and other exhibits around the park. At one point the speakers started playing 'If I Die Young' and I was like "I LOVE THIS SONG!" then I listened to the lyrics. Tears my friends. In SeaWorld! And they weren't even happy tears. I almost completely lost it over "Lord make me a rainbow I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors. Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no ain't even gray, but she buries her baby."  Ugh. Did they know this was a happy place!? After that mini meltdown I calmed down and we rode the sky pole spin thing. Real name: not sure. It's only 9 by now. Fireworks set for 9:50. We didn't make it. I wanted to go sleep. Too much excitement for Holly and baby. Friday night: Dinner at hubs work friends house. I give it a meh on the excitement scale. We showed up to a rambunctious 2 year old interested in being picked up by hubby and then poking everyone's eyes nose and mouths. Hmm. Dinner was delicious, spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread. The hostess served our plates so mine included more than I eat even when I'm starving. So I traded my plate for hubs empty one halfway through and it worked out. After dinner we watched a documentary we had talked about while eating called Being Elmo. Raise your hand if you knew a big black guy plays Elmo. It was a really neat story about his life and passion for puppets and sesame street from the time he was little. I recommend it, check it out. The show ended and we talked and watched the baby play until I got tired and wanted to go home. After a pit stop at Baskin Robbins for ice cream. On the way actually home, we drove through a DUI checkpoint. I had heard of these mystical stops but never seen one in actions. Not anymore!!! We were even lucky enough to be pulled over in the line to be personally talked to. I doubt it had anything to do with the almost probably crazy look of glee on my face and more with the car flow. We were asked if we had consumed any alcohol  (we hadn't) and were given a pamphlet on DUI consequences. All the while flashlights were on us by many cops. Made my night. Hubby laughed at me for a while but I secretly think he enjoyed the almost drama. And we both lamented over nothing happening to cars in front of us that may have involved the SWAT team or an arrest. End scene.  This is long enough. I'll type out our amazing saturday anniversary dinner tomorrow. 

SeaWorld

The most magical of places! We have two free tickets to go tonight and I have been ecstatic allllllll day! That is… after I got up at noon. Don’t judge me. I went to bed reasonably at 11 and then woke up at midnight starving and wanting noodles. Luckily hubby was still awake and helped me make spaghetti at 12. I only managed like 5-6 bites before I felt sick of it then gave up and went back to bed. I haven’t been eating the last couple days because I don’t want anything. I mean aaaannnnyyything. Every smell, foodtype, and taste throws me off and I can’t eat it. Which means I have been starving for the last week or so. I’ve been filling up on liquids like juice, broth, horchata, smoothies, and occasionally some food as long as it’s very plain. Like made-with-only-one ingredient plain. I am so happy to be miserable but I wish I could just fast forward to being over that section. Or at least until Wednesday. Like I haven’t been obsessing over my coming appointment at all or anything. I want a heartbeat and I want it now! (That totally reminded me of those terrible commercials that say ‘it’s my money and I need it now!’)

I got sidetracked. I was talking about SeaWorld. I googled ‘pregnant’ and ‘SeaWorld’ and found out I cannot ride a single ride there. I’m pretty bummed but still jazzed about the shows and exhibits. I love SeaWorld and hate the zoo. At SeaWorld the animals perform. They do tricks, and play, and do shows. At the zoo I swear it’s a conspiracy to pretend to be sleeping when I come. Every animal. Every time. But SeaWorld. Magic. Maybe I can be paid to promote the park? I’d be pretty good at it. I mean, in less than 5 hours I will be experiencing the magic!

Still To Be Born

-If your mother dies, people don’t say “You can always have another mother.” Then why is it all right to say you can always have another baby if your baby dies? 

I recently pulled one of my when-you-lose-a-child books of the shelf because I'm emotional and weird and went through and actually wrote down all the quotes I had highlighted in the book right after Max died. These words spoke to me then and now.

 -“Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he will not return to me.” ~ 2 Samuel 12:23

-I’m  not looking for answers anymore, but for something to remember. Merrit Malloy

There is a chapter on getting pregnant again after a loss and finally I can read it with it being true. The book covers feelings and reactions to expecting that all BLMs go through.

-You may defend your desire to get pregnant immediately by saying “I am totally aware of my baby that died, I don’t for a minute want to pretend that he never existed or that he can be replaced with another child. I just want a baby.” Probably a more honest statement is you want to be a mother. After physically and emotionally preparing yourself for these many months, you are eager for a child so that you can fulfill this role of mothering.

What is meant to be a special time in a woman's life may take on quite a different reality for you once you have suffered the loss of a child. You may look back to the former pregnancy and remember how thrilled you were with every new change in your body. Pregnancy was a wonderful time filled with idealistic dreams of the larger family you were soon to become. But all that is past now. No more do you approach each stage of pregnancy with a sense of wonder and excitement. Instead of reveling in the joy of an unfolding miracle, you may find yourself treading cautiously and fearfully-one step at a time- feeling nothing but relief as each step brings you closer to the end.

None of us know ahead of time how long we will have a child with us. It may only be for the span of time that the child is growing inside. It may be for only four days after the birth, or four years. We just don’t know. But if we can learn to appreciate what we do have while we have it, at least we don’t have to regret that we can think of nothing positive to remember about this little person’s life-before-birth. This baby you are now carrying also deserves to be remembered warmly for the joy that s/he brings you while still inside you. And because the tragic conclusion of your past pregnancy will tend to cloud your experience with this and future pregnancies, you will need consciously to make happen what came more naturally before.

Of course you won’t be able to make this experience exactly like the earlier one. But if you are willing to give up the notion that nothing can replace the experience you had, you will find that in this subsequent pregnancy life can unfold in ways that are new and different- and every bit as positive.

Those are words I am going to have to remind myself of this time around. This baby is different. And (she. My guess) deserves to be loved fully and I shouldn’t be afraid all the time and it’s not fair to compare (her) to Max all the time and with every new milestone. This baby is its own person and no one likes living in the shadow of their siblings.

-You just had a wonderful visit with a friend you know you are not going to see again for a long time. Just as you are about to say your goodbyes some other good friend that you’ve been anxious to see arrives. Your loyalties are divided. Your goodbyes with your friend are shortened. You find it difficult to immediately transfer your thoughts and interest to your newly arrived guest; you find yourself still preoccupied with the first visitor.

I still talk to Max sometimes, and think about him all the time. And have referred to the nursery more than once as Max’s room. I need to remember him but I need to stop wishing a different outcome, or dreaming of what could have been. It’s impossible not to remember he would have been a month old right now. I would have been exhausted and elated at having a family. Instead of being at square one with Gummybear.

-I found myself telling a friend that I felt I was luckier than a mutual friend who was unable to get pregnant. I had experienced the joy of being pregnant and giving birth. She hadn’t. It surprised me to realize that finally the joy of his too-short existence was greater than the burden of grief.

My doctor’s appointment is coming up. Next Wednesday finally. I have a long list of needs and wants to go over. Like extra monitoring, no tech ultrasounds- doctors only. I feel almost like I am gearing up for a fight with the doctor over my wants. I have (most likely unneeded) arguments in my head already prepared for “well I think you’ll be fine,” and “we are going to stick with a normal scan schedule.” I doubt the doctor will tell me no to anything I want but sadly I’m already defensive. And the fact that I’m going to be irrational no matter what statistics the doctor throws out. I’ve already been on that losing side.

-“But I know someone who smokes and her baby was nine pounds.” That’s right. And some people walk across the street on a red light and don’t get hit by a car.

Keeping A Record

I hate that I didn't keep records of my time with Max. I don't remember how he felt each month, and the changes I noticed in my body. And I feel like I lost something I can never replace. This time, I want a record. I want proof of this baby's time in my body, and everything I'm going through. I've been asking hubby "is this normal, was I like this last time?" a lot and we don't have the answers. So far-being 6 weeks pregnant. This is what's happening. I don't want food. Ever. Just liquids of varying kind. food I can only get down if I am distracted or eat it really fast before it turns to a gag reflex in my mouth. Though I have been, even though I hate this term, craving things. Like this morning I wanted a bacon egg and cheese biscuit. And yesterday blueberry pancakes. I ate about four bites of each and then couldn't handle more. I'm sooo hungry! Juice, milk, and broth have become my staples. Those and otter pops. My hubby is an angel. At about 11 on friday night I wanted them and we didn't have any. So to the store we went to search them down. I've eaten about 12 in two days. The other fun thing is sleep. I've become a zombie. Saturday I woke up at 11, got back in bed around 1, then woke up at 530. Back in bed by 11pm after an amazingly fun night with friends grilling and playing Settlers of Catan. Today was supposed to be church (oops) when the alarm went off I rolled over and cuddled hubs back go sleep. Noon wake up and Costco trip for necessities like contact solution and swifter cloths. We drove home and I vegged for a while before hubby and I played Super Smash Bros on his N64. We asked his brother for Mario Kart and then life will be wonderful!! I have about three minutes more before we have to leave and meet some church friends for gelato and an invite back to our house for beer and N64 fun!

Dear Baby...

Bad stuff does happen sometimes. Always remember that, but remember that you have to move foward, somehow. You just pick your head up and stare at something beautiful like the sky, or the ocean, and you move the hell foward.

Dear Baby, 

                It’s hard to think of you as anything other than Max’s sibling right now. I know you are only as big as a pea, and so fragile that I worry. You are the ‘something beautiful’ I am looking toward. Even only knowing you for a short 6 weeks Daddy and I love you and want to keep you. As the weeks progress that love will get bigger and bigger. Especially as you grow big and strong, and make your presence seen and felt in my tummy. Maybe you’ll love daddy so much you won’t be shy like your brother was; he always stopped kicking the second daddy looked at or put his hand on my belly. Such a trickster. We are pinning our new hopes and dreams on you little one. Will you stay.. or will you leave early.. Will you be a little ballerina, a daddy’s girl, a princess, or will you be a soccer star, mama’s boy, and rough and tumble. I feel you as a girl, but we can’t know for weeks. You know, Max knows, but your parents have to wait a while longer. Grow strong, grow safe, and stay. You are loved. You are needed. We have already gone through so much and think it is time for us to be parents of an earth baby. Every time you make mommy feel queasy or exhausted I have cherished. It means you are here and you are growing. Keep it up love, see you in January. 

Love, love, love,

Mom