Both Last Year and Yesterday

“One strange thing about Being In A Crisis, especially being at the center of one, is how everything else keeps moving along. You don’t think it will. You don’t see how it can. It felt like every other part of the world should have reacted to what had happened in mine. The nurses should have paused, traffic in the streets should have pulled over, just to acknowledge that for some reason, my life had changed. We crashed. Then we went on too. That’s the other thing about A Crisis. When you’re outside of it, not touched by it, you say ‘Oh, my God, how do they stand it? Poor things, how could they live through that?’ When it’s around you, in you, you simply do it. Because there is no choice. Only a next step.”

This was a passage in the book I read yesterday and I instantly brought me back to standing at the hospital window right after delivering Max, watching all the people walking around, eating lunch, laughing and talking. Safe in their own worlds where tragedy hadn’t struck. I remember thinking “how can they just go on, the world ended. It’s different and they all have no idea. How is there still happiness in this world?”

Now I feel removed from it. I can’t believe that happened to me. It seems like years ago, and at the same time only days ago. 

Thankfully this little one seems to be growing on track and healthily. I am so thankful for that. I have no idea how I could handle a repeat. I don’t need two angel babies. We are 14w3 today and I cannot wait to go to our Aug 13^th appointment and see this little one again (hopefully she shows us instead of just listening). And my Doppler should come this week and I am excited to use it and hear gummybear’s thump thump thump of a hummingbird heartbeat. Fingers crossed!

Who Invited The Bear?

This weekend was not my greatest weekend ever. I was, unfortunately, hormonal and moody all weekend. Saturday morning hubby left bright and early to go paintballing with some work friends, and that left me at odds all day with no real plan. I ended up wandering around target and going dress shopping for a couple hours, but still had time to kill until my cousin’s bday party that night. He and his family are moving to Hawaii in 4 days and this was one of the last get togethers we would all have as a family. I called my aunt and asked if I could hitch a ride up with her to the party that way hubs could meet me there in his car and we could drive back together. The party was mostly fun. I had gotten a sandwich to eat because they were planning on ordering pizza (a no no) and wings and cake and ice cream (also no nos). I ate my sandwich while everyone else enjoyed the good things in life and what do you know...my #&%@ number was $%*&#@ high anyways! Ugh. That ruined my night. It meant I couldn’t have even a bite of the cake. That was homemade and I know from experience is delicious. I was on the verge of a the-straw-that-broke-the-camels-back-meltdown. We left early. I finally lost it when we get home in a spectacular woe-is-me meltdown while hubby tried to cheer me up. I cried it out and went to bed early. It was more that everyone else had no cares in the world and could eat seconds, and pizza AND ice cream and cake. And here I had to eat my own food and not snack o the chips and grapes and strawberries. It’s not as bad when it’s just my diet, but I haven’t been around other people eating all the things I can’t before in a large setting and with so many things. Thus ended Saturday. Sunday was mostly ok, I was still cranky from Saturday but we got up, went to church and stayed for the members meeting after with lunch. They hired a food truck to come and cater lunch and we split spinach and pork pierogies and they were delicious. The church meeting went over the expenses of the church, the plans for a new building, and what’s going on in all the ministries and was very informative. The meeting ended and we socialized and I signed up to help in the children’s ministry and we went home. Once home, the internet on my phone stopped working and, already not in the best mindset, I had a mini tantrum- and my saintly hubby who puts up with so much fixed it for me. I apologized for all past, present, and future snapping and he cuddled me and we talked for a bit. We called his mom from the chair because we both miss her and we wanted to catch up and see how her vegan diet affected her cholesterol etc. we spent a good 40 minutes on the phone with her talking about what’s going on at her house and what we are up to (minus the pregnancy because they don’t know yet). Once off the phone I was really comfortable sprawled on the chair getting my back rubbed so we stayed instead of going out like we had planned. Next thing either of us know is we are asleep and so we moved to our bed and took a 2 hour nap and I woke up in a better mood. As hubs said “I didn’t think a nap would have helped that much!... I mean… not that you were bad or anything…” nice save. I know I was a bear. I already feel terrible. The day ended with a PB&lite J (which jacked my number up anyway) and the movie Mirror Mirror. Please let this week be better.

One Side Down

Well, my mom knows. I sent the card and it got there on Monday. She has taken it surprisingly well... Congratulated us and asked about the due date. Then when I expressed my shock at her reaction, she told me to pick myself up off the floor. I told her all about having gestational diabetes, and she was amazed I had it, and really wished I had been warned it was a possibility because I had two babies within a year. I kind of wish I had been given a heads up on the possibility that way I could have been more careful in the beginning. Though I don’t think I would have waited longer. Happily, the diabetes counselor told me that having an A1C of 5.7 meant my average sugar levels were around 117 and that means I did no harm. Phew. So now my immediate family knows. I made my next two appointments yesterday, the 16 week check up and blood work on Aug 13^th, and then the anatomy scan on Aug 31^st! Hubby and I were talking about when we wanted to make that appointment and decided we wanted an afternoon appointment so he could take a half day, and we wanted it early in the week because if you get bad news on a Friday you have a weekend to panic before places with answers open again. I called the number and she told me during that week she had one afternoon appointment. Friday afternoon. I took it. Then called hubs to lament/get excited. I'm hoping the Dr. wants to take a peek at our 16 week appointment and ill ask her to look if so. Otherwise we have 35 days before we can pick a team. That weekend we find out we are going to visit his family and break all the news at once. Surprise! We’re pregnant! Surprise! It’s a GIRL?BOY?! I need fun gender reveals, the trick is I can’t do any of the food ones... A. because we did a blue cake with Max and it was really special and doing it again feels like I would be steamrolling over one of the only memories I have of him. And B. the in-laws and brother and sister-in-law that live there are vegan. 

And here is me at 13 weeks.  bumity bump bump.

Week 13

I decided to steal this from Ali, because it covers everything each weeks and its a nice all in one place stats update. (Thanks Ali!)

• Size of baby: The size of a Peach! Almost 3 inches long. with a heartrate of 153.
• Weight gain: -4 pounds from the first appointment at 8 weeks. -8 from prepregnancy. Thats what limited carbs does.
• Symptoms experienced: Crankiness, and the great and lovely just appeared hemorrhoids. faaaaantastic.
• How I feel: Like I am never going to catch a break. 
• What I've been craving: Things I am not allowed to eat. Like Oatmeal Butterscotch Walnut cookies.
• What I miss: Eating, being carefree. Sugar.
• Best moment: Our 12 week scan was last week and this one measured ahead and the feeling of instant relief when I saw the little heartbeat flicker. Plus his/her palate was checked and looks good and we have very low risk factors. Also, sharing our news with Hub's brother and sister-in-law (due in 2 weeks) over dinner and their faces were identically priceless!
• Items purchased: We manned up and bought a stroller. We just couldnt pass up the amazon deal of buying a Britax B-Ready and getting a free carseat. We figured this was a really good buy because we can buy a seat attachment later on and use it for 2 kids, and its a beautiful stroller and would have been too expensive otherwise. The stroller and carseat were $400 instead of $570! and its Britax! Yes I'm freaking out and it's insane that we bought this at 13 weeks. But we will use it for all our kids whenever we get one. And the free carseat deal ended Aug 1st.
  

12 Weeks!

Yesterday was our 12 week appointment and Nuchal Screen test. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I drove to pick up hubs at 10:30 for our 11:00 appointment and off we drove. We made it right at 11 and by that point I have already drunk my 32oz of liquid and I was ready to pee. They called us back and put me on the table and hubs on the chair holding my hand. I told her my worries about this scan and what we had with Max: cleft and banding. I held my breath as she started off the scan and breathed a huge sigh as she pointed out the heartbeat. After that I could calm down enough to enjoy watching Gummybear squirm. She spent a good 45 minutes taking pictures and showing us the little one body and organs. She tried to peek at the gender by this one was stubborn. S/he was in the wrong position for 90 percent of what the scanner needed to see so she kept pushing on my stomach and jiggling to try and get the baby to move. With Max, he was eager to show us his man parts. First thing we saw on all his scans was right between his legs. This baby is more modest. When the scan ended and we had 10 pictures in our possession she left to go over the pictures with the doctor and then she would come back with the doctor to go over our risks and what they saw. They came in 10 minutes later and said the resident 3D expert wanted to take a look at the baby’s lip and palate to make me feel better, which I appreciated. She gelled my stomach back up and then took some images to compile into 3D and pronounced the soft palate ‘beautiful.’ She said the lip looks fine but can’t confirm the hard palate. That was a huge relief. Our risk is 1:46000 for downs and 1:130000 for T18. Wonderful news. and this baby is a chunk, 4 days ahead of schedule! We headed from that appointment straight to the 12 weeker with our perinatologist. She is thorough. Went through my list of questions in 10 minutes flat. It was all business and it was very reassuring. She was facts, reassurance, and willing to do extra monitoring. We breezed out from her appointment and then went to meet the diabetes counselor. Whom I LOVED. She was great. Went over all my numbers with me, reassured me that I was doing ok, and told me to test my limits with small treats and then check to see what happens. Love that lady. I dropped hubs off back at work and headed home for a much wanted nap. Last night I finally made oatmeal butterscotch walnut cookies I have been craving for a week. I ate two, had some milk. Waited an hour, tested and my number was PERFECT! I can eat cookies!!

I put my mom’s letter in the mail on Thursday and it should be there soon, dun dun dun!

Like You For Me

Today is a day of fear. I fear this baby I am growing may already be impacted by 10 weeks of uncontrolled GD. I fear I am incapable of carrying a child to life. I fear the spiral will start if we find out this baby had a cleft lip and palate like Max did. I fear every time I eat I am harming this little one. Our appointment on Thursday will be the scariest day. Until then, I talk to Max. I talk to his sibling. And I apologize over and over again. I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything for you Max. I’m sorry I may be harming you Gummybear just by being. I’m sorry my emotional sieve might be doing its own form of harm. I'm sorry. 

This song is the song I always associate with Max, and the inspiration for the title of my blog. I have it on repeat today because I am feeling melancholy and miss him more than anything.

I know what I'm doing may be dumb
I know I should not be staring at the sun
But the thought of you leads me to temptation
It's the same whatever side you're on
Separated we are delicate and small
And the space between, needs our attention
I see you right in front of me, as close as you can get
And I pray that you won't leave this daydream yet

And it might seem much too far, to get back to where you are
But it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love

I don't have to worry any more
If I really need you I'll go to the shore
And the thought of you there is my protection
I see you right in front of me, a vision in my head
And I know this is as real, as a daydream gets

And it might seem much too far, to get back to where you are
But it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love

You make no sound, but I can hear you in the wind
I can see this never ends, like the sea, like you for me

And it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love
And it might seem much too far, to get back to where you are
But it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love

Ocean Size Love- Leigh Nash

Keep On Swimming

In the famous words of Dori, when the going is scary… keep on swimming. This number checking business will give me gray hair before too long. It’s hard, it doesn’t make sense, and I hate finger pokes! I can eat a whole grain waffle one day and have a fine number, the next my number will be jacked up past the OK point. No rhyme or reason! Other than mourning the loss of my food happiness, this weekend was great. On Saturday morning our friend from small group picked us up to take us on a tour of his work. He’s an NCIS special agent (apparently not quite like the show L ) with the navy and took us around the bases to see all the ships and aircrafts and his work place etc while we all talked and asked questions. My advice for his job was to get the NCIS TV show soundtrack and play it when he goes on cases. I think it may happen. After this awesome start to the day Hubs agreed to take me on a picnic so I could bask in the sun, my happy place. It’s finally… for the first time all year so far… been warm enough for me to lie in the sun. And it was only 78 degrees at 1pm. We drove through chick fil a to get lunch so I could play chicken with my numbers, no pun intended, and headed to the park with a blanket and books. I ended up using my book for a pillow after about 5 minutes and then conked out for an hour. The relaxing day concluded with a several hour bath and a book. 

Sunday we made it up in time for the early service at church (9am) much to the astonishment of our friends who of course had to comment on it. After the service we drove over to Kohls to kill time and look for shirts for hubs while we waited for Brunch with the fam. We found a killer deal, and got two Chaps shirts for $30! Marked down from $50 a piece. Those steals were awesome. Brunch was fun, we only have a couple more before my aunt and her family move and then it’s going to be way different. After brunch one of my aunts asked me if I made my dress and pulled it in such a way it was obvious she was looking for a bump. Luckily for me the second she reached I sucked in my entire stomach and it looked like nothing was there. HA. We drove home and I had a nap before class at 7. We are taking the membership class at our church in order to join officially. Its 8 weeks, one hour a week, about the theology of the church. The day ended with two episodes of Game of Thrones and then bedtime.

Minus the fact my world no longer revolves around food it was a good weekend. We are officially 12 weeks as of yesterday and have our appointment and screening Thursday. I cannot wait to see this little one again! At this point last time we had jussssssst gone facebook official with our news. This time, most of our own family doesn't know!