Weeks 21 & 22

Well I suck at keeping up with this lately. Seeing as I just hit 23 weeks and the last update was 20.  So here are the last two updates on one post.
I’ll have to type up tomorrow the most recent shenanigans. Camping weekend, church membership, and spending the week with my nephew.

Week 21
·  Size of baby: He weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot
·  Weight gain: I'm still guessing I'm 117 or 118, so 3-4 pounds or -4 or -5 total. Go team!  
·  Symptoms experienced: Nothing much, no heartburn or BHx or cramping. Pretty much baby A is a mellow little guy. He is kicking more for daddy now and that’s nice.
·  How I feel: I still have zero fingernails and have plateaued at a high level of anxiety. He’s getting bigger though and I love his bumping.
·  What I've been craving: Sweets. All of them. Every kind imaginable. It’s terrible because I know better.
·  What I miss: Going from sitting to standing by myself. Walking for longer than 30 minutes before I feel like dying.
·  Best moment: Non preg related this week. Hanging out with my favorite set of nannying kids ever. When I show up the three year old spends about 5 minutes shouting my name and giving me hugs. It makes me feel awesome. Baby A likes to kick any other kid I’m loving on however. I think I have a jealous kid. He won’t kick daddy but any baby is fair game.
·  Items purchased: Still waiting to pass Oct 28^th.

Week 22
·  Size of baby: At 11 inches (the length of a spaghetti squash) and almost 1 pound, Baby A is starting to look like a miniature newborn.
·  Weight gain: I'm still guessing I'm 117 or 118, so 3-4 pounds or -4 or -5 total. (This is almost the most useless statistic/line ever for me)
·  Symptoms experienced: Exhaustion and acne. #$%@#!! Acne.  And sore arms, but that is from carrying a 7 week old for three days :) worth it.
·  How I feel: I had a minor panic attack Friday when A decided to take a day off from being rambunctious and my mind went into ‘it’s happening again’ overtime. Love the bump, but sometimes surprisingly I forget it’s there.
·  What I've been craving: Everything chocolate. I don’t even like chocolate. I made cupcakes for my SIL and BIL and almost died over the one I got to eat. I was half a step from smearing the chocolate over my body in a fit of pregnancy induced craziness.
·  What I miss: My lap. But it’s a pretty good table!  
·  Best moment: I spent the week with baby Charlie and he loved napping on me. He would straddle his cousin and sit on the bump. It was awesome to hold and love on that little man and I cannot wait to have my own.
·  Items purchased: Technically bought at week 23, but I (and hubby who LOVES Michael’s jk) picked out paint colors and brushes to do my mural after the nursery is painted this weekend. And a haircut.

Repeat

Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off, who was left?

Repeat. 

Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off, who was left?

This is how I feel about this pregnancy. This is week 22, take two, part B, do over, been there done that. It’s hard because I am not in new territory yet. I am still in ‘take 2’ mode with this pregnancy. Where I can still compare this baby and Max. Its driving me crazy. I am turning into the world’s biggest worry wart while I wait for Oct 28^th. Officially the gestational age we gave birth to Max. I want it to be Oct 29^th already. I have destroyed my used-to-be-perfect-and-manicured nails in a continuous fit of nerves which is really annoying but I cannot seem to stop. I have gotten to the ‘compare everything’ mode and worry every time this little man is asleep that he died and/or isn’t growing anymore and will die. And I have another month of this at least. History is repeating itself in other ways that my very helpful brain keeps pointing out… like hubby’s parents are coming down the first week in October to help hubs paint the nursery and they were scheduled to come help us paint LAST time the weekend after everything happened, but then everything happened. So now I keep thinking they are a jinx. Which is terrible. He remedy to all my mind-craziness? Distractions. This week (tomorrow) I am heading up to go stay with my sister in law, her hubs, and their new baby for a week. Technically it’s for her benefit because she’s not having an easy time with postpartum, but it’s working out well for me too because this week will fly by. I’ll miss the hubs for sure and it will be strange being away from him. But I will love hanging out with the SIL I’m closest too AND a new baby?! WIN! Then next week hubby’s parents come on Friday-Sun to help paint and hang out, and then Wednesday my mom flies in for a month! I just need to focus on that fun stuff and give my nails a rest!!!!

Doctors, Nursery, and October

After reading my friend Bekah’s post on her trip to the doctor… it made me think. Is Tricare why I don’t care who my Dr is? I see all these posts and comments about women who refuse to have someone else deliver their child or see them in an appointment. Is that because they grew up with ONE family practitioner they saw all the time? And expect the same with an OB? I have never in my life seen a doctor more than once until pregnancy. Each time I ever went in for anything from sniffles to a sprained ankle it was a new doctor and a new face (sometimes even a new state). Therefore… I don’t really care who my OB is. Do I care that she is competent. Yes. Do I care that she has read my file? Yes. Would I be heartbroken if they switched me? No. When I picture delivery at the hospital I don’t even picture her there and it doesn’t bother me. I figure all the doctors know what they are doing and I’m not attached to anyone in particular. I'm attached to competence. With Max I didn’t know any of the doctors or nurses when we delivered and I really didn’t care. I felt like I would never see them again after and so it really didn’t matter who they were as long as they were nice. Even my Perinatal OB now won’t see me after I deliver except for the 6 week check up and I’ll have to find a pediatrician. I don’t want to be attached. And I really don’t care. It doesn’t bother me that they all are strangers and want to look at my lady business. They could hold a Dr Conga line past the business end of the birth and I wouldn’t care as long as someone was making sure things were going right. Maybe I just don’t get attached to people? Maybe I have almost zero modesty…who knows. But I don’t bond easily and especially with doctors. Living life as a military kid sure does a number on you.

In other random rambling pregnancy thought. My little man is a trooper. He is wiggly and wonderful:) I see tiny babies everywhere and I cannot wait for one to be mine. Specifically him. My little guy. 4 more months! Eeee! I want to buy everything in sight for him and have it but hubs is the voice of reason and put an ‘after the nursery is done’ ban on more purchases. Painting will be done the first week in Oct by him and his parents, while I supervise from afar. Then I just have to paint all the mural-ing and buy and set up the carpet and then move all the furniture in and its ready for its occupant. THEN I can go controlled crazy on boy clothes. Though hubs has a point. People want to buy you baby clothes. And they grow fast so they might not wear everything. Fiiiiiiiine. 

I would also like to fast forward to Oct 29^th. That is one day past when we lost Max. Once we reach it I won’t be as paranoid. Plus my Dr. has put in an order for us to have another detailed ultrasound at 28 weeks and I can’t wait to see him again! I'm hoping they’ll let my mom come to the appointment too so she can see her (second) grandson. 

Week 20

This is reeeeallly overdue, as I am already mid week 21. Whatev.

·  Size of baby: He weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana.

·  Weight gain: 3 pounds. For a grand total of -5 pounds. I now weigh 117!

·  Symptoms experienced: Kickboxer like movement. Go little man go!

·  How I feel: Entering the most nerve wracking period from about 18-27 weeks. Where everything went wrong last time and we weren’t really warned or prepared. Now every time this baby is still or quite I freak out that he’s gone, or not growing like he’s supposed to, because we found out Max stopped growing weeks before he died. We had an appointment yesterday and I was a wreck of nerves before afraid she was going to say he’s not growing like he should. He is! He looked wonderful :)

·  What I've been craving: I still have my vanillachai everyday, but Pumpkin. Muffins, lattes, scones. mmmmm  

·  What I miss: What I now know was the ‘unstressed’ portion of the pregnancy before this. And sleeping on my stomach. I keep waking up on my back. Whoops.

·  Best moment: Seeing this little man yesterday, huge, wiggling, and grabbing his legs. And our Dr. told us if we get nervous to come on in and she can take a look for a minute to reassure me. I know she would anyway but she said it to us. I <3 her.

·  Items purchased: Maternity pants that look AWESOME. I want some for non-maternity because they are fitted and LONG ENOUGH and make my butt look nice. A challenge because first you have to find it. H&M maternity (who knew?!) is the BEST.

Labor Day Weekend p3, Etc... Etc

I guess I should finish up writing about labor day weekend… seeing as it was over a week ago.. After we told the fam and they all flipped out in a good way I felt better about the weekend and not having to be as careful hiding my stomach from a ton of people. I did my best to avoid being around his extended family as much as I could because it was exhausting being careful about how I stood, what I ate, what I said etc. it was emotionally draining anyway being up there with the new baby, and my pregnant sister in law… especially when they were comparing baby tips and tricks. It really hit home that I don’t have a 4 month old like I should. I may have gotten a little upset more than once over everything. Then on the way home hubs and I got in a mini disagreement on the drive about him not liking how I acted around his extended fam and not understanding why we couldn’t just share. I tried to explain that it wasn’t them knowing.. it was I didn’t want to answer questions and talk about my feelings with anyone.  He doesn’t get asked these questions. I do. I hate them. I don’t want to talk about it. Even not knowing I’m pregnant I still got “how are you doing” “what actually happened to Max” “will you guys be trying again?” NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS PEOPLE. My rule is ‘unless I offer the information or bring it up first, don’t talk about it. Ugh.

 

On a side note… Hubby and I are becoming official members of our church next week! We are pretty excited and feel the church is a good fit for us:) This baby loves church and just like his brother, is never more active than during the worship music time. 

And Hubs parents sent us and the baby welcome and yay flowers. Look how big he is at 20 weeks!!

And lastly, its been exactly 7 months since we lost our Max. Time had sped by but it still feels like yesterday. Mom and Dad love you little man! You’re an angel. Tell your brother I love when he moves and to be nice to daddy and share some kicks with him!

The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side

"But, the grass ain't always greener on the other side; it's green where you water it."

I was listening to Justin Bieber’s song ‘As long as you love me’ (don’t judge) and every time I hear it.. ok it may be on a playlist that only has 5 songs that keep repeating..this line makes me think.

Its true. The grass may be greener on the other side, but what if that is because the other side takes care of their grass. It’s easy to have envy for nice things, ‘better’ situations, relationships etc when you compare it to yourself. No one thinks about why the other side looks greener. The other side was cultured and groomed to be beautiful and healthy, ie. Green. No one thinks about how it got that way… hard work, open communication, the catalyst that caused the changes, or sometimes just plain dumb luck. Every single person wants the easy fix, switching lawns. No one wants to do the work to get the green grass. Its not something that can be fixed overnight. Complaining about your brown grass or wistfully wanting the green one without being willing to put in the work to tend your grass is easy. Turning brown grass into green grass is the challenge. Nothing worth having comes instantly. Everything is appreciated more if it took effort to obtain. Then not only do you finally have enviable green grass, you have pride from having turned it from brown to green yourself. The grass itself can stand for anything in your life. Plus the grass may be green in the front and brown in the back where no one sees it. Or the grass may be 90% weeds or infested with moles. Its not your grass. You don’t know how it got that way, or if its green everywhere, or if there are underlying problems.

Stop envying the grass on the other side. Work on your own grass.

I can’t believe this came from a Beiber/Rap song… and I spent 15 minutes writing about proverbial grass.