New Territory

We made it. We made it. We made it! We have never made it this far before, and baby A is kicking strongly :) I feel so optimistic now; we are going to take this baby home! I have noticed I also start to relax more when he sleeps in me. I don’t immediately poke at him or start spiraling toward worst case scenarios. I that realized today when last night I woke up and rolled over and 14/15 times he wakes up and rolls too… but he didn’t last night and instead of the adrenaline rush until I could get him to move, I assumed he was sleeping too and went back to bed. That to me means I have hit a turning point. I have missed Max more than ever last week and last night came across a poem that made me sniffle for a while and desperately miss what would have been and how old our son would be. Right in the feelings. I hate that losing our first means that forver there will be an awkward twinge of guilt and sadness accompanied by the question everyone asks “is this your first,” or “how many kids do you have.” I called my mom a Grandma the other day and she said “not yet I’m not!” and that broke my heart. She had no idea how that hit me. Yes she is! My first son mattered. Max lived! This was supposed to be a happy post about the life of our new baby.. but passing that last milestone left Max behind completely and it is killing me. I'm glad hubby is at church because I’m crying all over the computer. I feel like I lost Max all over again and everything from this point on is baby A and non comparable. This is good. But sad. Now if everyone else is interested in crying a bit, read on over the collection of poems and sayings that have been affecting me. The first one is for Baby A, the rest for Max.

"A Different Child"

By Pandora MacMillian

 People notice

There's a special glow around you.

You grow

Surrounded by love,

Never doubting you are wanted,

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes

Between the smiles

There's a trace of tears,

One day

You'll understand.

You'll understand

There was once another child

A different child

Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes

That child will never keep them up at night

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever

How infinitely precious

How infinitely fragile

Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman

You may see another mother's tears

Another father's silent grief

Then you, and you alone

Will understand

And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,

You will tell them

With great compassion,

"I know how you feel.

I'm only here

Because my mother tried again."

If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift."
-Elizabeth Edwards

"You don't think you'll live past it and you don't really. The person you were is gone, but the half of you that's still alive wakes up one day and takes over again." By Barbara Kingsolver

The sorrow I have from losing you does not overshadow the joy I have from being able to love you.

Laura Richert

Have you ever watched the world forget the person you love the most saying "you'll have another one" or "move on" or "let go" as if he were a book or a pen, or a bad haircut that could be replaced or erased as if he didn't matter, as if he had never been?

Have you ever looked at your future knowing someone will always be missing? Have you ever looked at your past knowing some things can never be changed?  Have you ever looked at your present and felt nothing, saw nothing but guilt and anger and loss? 

The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.
Forever.

 To those of you who roll your eyes and say we barely had them at all, how
could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their first steps, first day of school, their weddings, and their children. We have had them forever in our minds.