My second baby is crying to himself in his room right now,
protesting nap time with all the umph his two foot frame can muster…I pray that
my first baby is in there with him, watching over and comforting him always.
Tuesday was Max’s second birthday. The day that marked 760 days away from earth
and away from my arms. My 27 week old first born went to heaven before I met
him… and that isn’t right. I remind myself that if I hadn’t lost Max, I would never
have met BabyA. But that is comparing apples to oranges… if I had Max I would
have never known BabyA and therefore wouldn’t miss him. The comparison only works in hindsight and let’s
face it… there is nothing you can actually change with ‘if only’, and ‘but.’
For Max’s second birthday we got a big cupcake and shared it
as a family. I had been emotional all day remembering my first little man, and
really struggled to keep it together in public while we quietly celebrated.
BabyA ended up with more of the cupcake than he probably should have, but it
was a special occasion and we don’t make a practice of eating cupcakes for
dinner. I felt really alone that day… It feels like Hubby isn’t affected
anymore. I know that isn’t fair or true… but I still feel it. He didn’t even remember
it was Max’s birthday. I feel that I will be carrying the burden of remembering
for the rest of my life.
I am sitting here drinking coffee, listening to the two
songs that got me through that 2 month hell after Max died, crying. Will there
ever be a day that I can think of the boy I lost and smile as I remember instead
of cry?
I have had too much death surround me the last two years. I pray
2014 leaves my family intact.
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