New Territory

We made it. We made it. We made it! We have never made it this far before, and baby A is kicking strongly :) I feel so optimistic now; we are going to take this baby home! I have noticed I also start to relax more when he sleeps in me. I don’t immediately poke at him or start spiraling toward worst case scenarios. I that realized today when last night I woke up and rolled over and 14/15 times he wakes up and rolls too… but he didn’t last night and instead of the adrenaline rush until I could get him to move, I assumed he was sleeping too and went back to bed. That to me means I have hit a turning point. I have missed Max more than ever last week and last night came across a poem that made me sniffle for a while and desperately miss what would have been and how old our son would be. Right in the feelings. I hate that losing our first means that forver there will be an awkward twinge of guilt and sadness accompanied by the question everyone asks “is this your first,” or “how many kids do you have.” I called my mom a Grandma the other day and she said “not yet I’m not!” and that broke my heart. She had no idea how that hit me. Yes she is! My first son mattered. Max lived! This was supposed to be a happy post about the life of our new baby.. but passing that last milestone left Max behind completely and it is killing me. I'm glad hubby is at church because I’m crying all over the computer. I feel like I lost Max all over again and everything from this point on is baby A and non comparable. This is good. But sad. Now if everyone else is interested in crying a bit, read on over the collection of poems and sayings that have been affecting me. The first one is for Baby A, the rest for Max.

"A Different Child"

By Pandora MacMillian

 People notice

There's a special glow around you.

You grow

Surrounded by love,

Never doubting you are wanted,

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes

Between the smiles

There's a trace of tears,

One day

You'll understand.

You'll understand

There was once another child

A different child

Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes

That child will never keep them up at night

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever

How infinitely precious

How infinitely fragile

Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman

You may see another mother's tears

Another father's silent grief

Then you, and you alone

Will understand

And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,

You will tell them

With great compassion,

"I know how you feel.

I'm only here

Because my mother tried again."

If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift."
-Elizabeth Edwards

"You don't think you'll live past it and you don't really. The person you were is gone, but the half of you that's still alive wakes up one day and takes over again." By Barbara Kingsolver

The sorrow I have from losing you does not overshadow the joy I have from being able to love you.

Laura Richert

Have you ever watched the world forget the person you love the most saying "you'll have another one" or "move on" or "let go" as if he were a book or a pen, or a bad haircut that could be replaced or erased as if he didn't matter, as if he had never been?

Have you ever looked at your future knowing someone will always be missing? Have you ever looked at your past knowing some things can never be changed?  Have you ever looked at your present and felt nothing, saw nothing but guilt and anger and loss? 

The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.
Forever.

 To those of you who roll your eyes and say we barely had them at all, how
could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their first steps, first day of school, their weddings, and their children. We have had them forever in our minds.

Week 27

Week 27
·  Size of baby: He weighs almost 2 pounds (like a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with his legs extended.

·  Weight gain: I can’t tell you until next week when I have access to a scale   
·  Symptoms experienced: Being kicked in the cervix and enjoying little A’s hiccups. Me personally… I think I’m a trooper. We went to the zoo for 4.5 hours and walked around and I was fine :)

·  How I feel: Ready to have this baby here. And ready to finish his room already!  
·  What I've been craving: Sugar and junk food. Surprise. And apples. I love apples.  
·  What I miss: Tying my own shoes! Or trying to put on or take off socks on my own.
·  Best moment: His having a roller coaster party and Mimi talking to him and tapping on him to egg him on. I love seeing my mom excited and referring to him as a person. She never met Max, so this is her first real bonding with a grandbaby.  
·  Items purchased: This child won’t be too spoiled. We still haven’t bought anything. 

I never made it past this point with Max.. so we are in new territory!!

Week 26

Week 26
·  Size of baby: He now weighs about a pound and two-thirds and measures 14 inches (an English hothouse cucumber.. whatever that is) from head to heel.

·  Weight gain: No idea   
·  Symptoms experienced: Foot cramps and Charlie horses all around!!  And I am officially uncomfortable sleeping on my side.

·  How I feel: Extremely nervous as D Day approaches... (we delivered Max at 27 weeks)
·  What I've been craving: Sweets. Go figure. And bbq. Pulled pork bbq.
·  What I miss: Seeing my feet. Being anonymous in my pregnancy. Now strangers talk to me about him. I liked it better when no one knew.
·  Best moment: My mom is still here (!) and it has been wonderful having her to hang out with during the day. And she talks to Baby A and taps on my stomach when he’s wiggly. She’s even paused the TV to watch him roll. To me… her interest is almost like the president doing a speech in his bathing suit. Unheard of! My mom is a ‘don’t ask don’t tell” kind of person with personal lives. So having her interested in her grandbaby is HUGE and awesome.
·  Items purchased: A can of acrylic sealant for his room mural. Woo! I am DONE painting!

Once my mom leaves on the 14^th I will probably get back to writing more about things as they happen.. instead of trying to remember them later when I have time.

Really Long Update On Bday's, Boobs, And Baby A's Week

SO much has been going on in the last weeks! I have a little downtime and thought it was time to update. Chili is currently simmering on the stove and I have an hour before dinner and off to the movies :)

Last week was birthday week. Mine on Monday, My Nana’s Thursday, My Mom’s Friday, Hubbys, Saturday, Brother in Law’s Sunday, and Father in Laws this Saturday. That’s a lot of celebrating! (and presents!) On Monday we went to Benihana for bday dinner and it was delicious, Friday we went to Disneyland’s Halloween Party and celebrated my moms. Disneyland was really really fun… this is the third year we have gone and the second year I have gone pregnant. This curtails the rides I can get on, but the atmosphere is so much fun I don’t miss the rides. You have to have a special ticket to go to the party, so at 4 they let you in, and at 7 they kick out everyone without a wristband. This means the lines are shorter for everyone after 7, and that’s a good thing! So many people dress up and it’s neat to see adults and kids as so many characters and in different types of costumes. We dressed up two years ago.. pre belly. We ate at the New Orleans café, one of the two sit down and be served restaurants, and it was epic. Everyone made fun of me for inhaling my food the second it was put down. But after so many hours of walking… I was hungry and could get away with cheating, and cheat I did. I had half a three cheese deep fried battered monte cristo, jambalaya, sweet potato fries, and then for dessert mickey shaped pumpkin beignets with powdered sugar and a candle. I scarfed EVERYTHING. And my number was only 137 after. (130 is what I aim to keep under.) I knew I was going to get GD amnesia with dinner and I was glad I didn’t get too high. After dinner was more riding rides.. haunted mansion and Pirates were on my “can ride” list. And then trick or treating throughout the park before fireworks and the parade. My candy bag was bulging after an hour of trick or treating. Some I’ll keep and some I’ll give away. Fun size is perfect for GD. Just one. Every once and a while. After that epic day and late night. Saturday was spent with hubby around the house in a ‘no need to get dressed we aren’t leaving the house” day. And his bday. I had decorated the house before we picked him up to go to Disney because I knew he wouldn’t see it until we got back well after midnight and officially on his bday. Sadly some of the streamers escaped their tape prison on the wall and so it looked a little sad when he saw it. But it’s the thought that counts right? My mom had even helped by blowing up Spongebob balloons to kick on the floor. Luckily they were supposed to be on the floor or they would have fallen down too :(. One was blown up too much so it popped before we left and my mom and I both screamed from the other room. So only 5 balloons greated Hubs. After that wonderful day of recovery… we were off again! Sunday was a trip to the pumpkin patch farm to meet hubs family for bday celebrations and a chance to say hi before thanksgiving. The weather did NOT cooperate with us and I was cold and windy and drizzly. But still fun. I got to hold and carry around baby Charlie and Hubs got to play with his nieces who love him. After several hours (and the most delicious pulled pork sandwich ever) we left the patch sans pumpkins because they were wet. We all drove to a dinner place and ate and opened gifts before driving back to crash again before the week started over.

Which brings me to Monday and the Dr appointment. (TMI btw) A while back (couple weeks) one of my boobs leaked red liquid for about an hour one night. All by itself. The other was leaking clear. They leak all the time so that wasn’t new.. the red part was. I brought it up with my dr when I last saw her and she wrote me a consult to the cancer center (!?!?) to get it looked at to cross all our t’s. she wasn’t really worried, so I wasn’t.. but still. So this appointment was a boob ultrasound, and mammograms, then a consult with a specialist. On the questionnaire I had the dreaded “number or pregnancies/live births” question… 2/0. And then they all seemed shocked it was my first mammo. I AM 25!!! Of course its my first! Gosh! The specialist even seemed disappointed I planned on breastfeeding  after A is born because it skews results. Really!? So I go back in February or if it happens again… but no one seemed concerned at all but wanted their bases covered. Which is good. After this past month I feel like so much is going on I could sleep for weeks!

Lastly. We are 26w3d… and are in THE week. I last felt Max at 26w4… found out he was gone at 26w6. And delivered him at 27w. That’s this week. I think I have annoyed for A so much this week with my jiggling and poking when I don’t feel him for a little bit. There have been several middle of the night panics and stomach manipulations before I could relax and he would kick. And a lot lot lot of stress and worry. I just want it to be next week and past the point we lost Max. I hate thinking that if it repeats I only have one or two days left with baby A. I know its not probable.. but tell that to any mom who has lost a child and been a losing statistic. Probable happens. Probable is what is remembered. If you are a praying person. Please send up some prayers for my heart and stress this week. And for baby A to be a super mover for reassurance. I'm already flooding God’s prayer mailbox, and sending requests to Max to help me out… but the more the merrier. I cannot lose another baby. I cant. Let it be Sunday tomorrow.