Week 5 And Bachelorette Shenanagins

Ok fine. I guess it has been a week and I should probably update more often. First a baby update, then a life update. Baby Gummybear is 5 weeks old today. Which makes him/her the size of an appleseed. Go Gummybear go! Someone at work asked me if I had gained weight yesterday because my butt was bigger. Oh man if its starting at 5 weeks I’m going to be a manatee! 

Why He’s A Boy                                                                        Why She’s A Girl               
- Same lack of symptoms                                                       - No teenage boy acne
-I like the name I picked out                                                    -I want a girl
-Everything feels like last time                                                 -Sometimes I think I feel sick
                                                                                             -No happy trail! (yet)
                                                                                              -Big butt

I’ll continue the list until we find out!

Only 21 days until our 8 week appointment. And patience is a virtue. Though this time is dragging. I swear it’s been a week and feels like yesterday. Come on time! Fly!

Now a life update: This weekend was the bachelorette of one of my very good friends which was a rocking good time. Minus the alcohol… which was excused by my taking ‘antibiotics.’ Before the party two other really good friends and I went to lunch and lingerie shopping for the bride before getting ready and heading to dinner. I forgot how much I missed girl time. The two lovely ladies I went out with live 2 hours away now and I don’t get to see them a lot.  

The party started at dinner. The bride chose a margarita house in the gay district of our city. Which is also the most fun night district of our city. We crowned Chase with a tiara covered in plastic penis’s, a sash made out of condoms, plastic penis straws, and the waitress brought her a giant balloon penis and vagina for her to ‘practice’ with. Haha! After a lovely and laugh filled dinner we drove back to chases house for cocktails, in my case, mocktails, and lingerie and games. My car pitstopped at the grocery to pick up cucumbers for our game of carve-a-penis-out-of-cucumbers. While picking them out and laughing about girth and size we kept getting the dirtiest looks from some of the other people. Especially this dad with his kids. Whoops. 

Week 4:)

“This week marks the beginning of the embryonic period. From now until 10 weeks, all of your baby's organs will begin to develop and some will even begin to function. As a result, this is the time when s/he'll be most vulnerable to anything that might interfere with her development.
Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop.”

I just want to be in August already. Around 16 weeks. Relatively ‘safe.’ Until then I am going to do my best to not think about the fact that we are pregnant again. Or at least until our first appointment around 8 weeks.  For which I am on hold with the hostpital to make an appointment.

I really hope this baby sticks :)

BFFrickenP

That’s right folks. Hubby and I were going to a wedding on Saturday, so I wanted to make sure I could either drink or not drink during the reception. I woke up at the crack of 6am wired and ready to take the first POAS test. I wasn’t optimistic because my cycles are sporadic and even if I was I didn’t expect it to show for another week at least.  For some reason ‘testing days’ are like Christmas morning and I wake up super early and excited. So at 6 am I snuck out of bed past my gently snoring (he claims he doesn’t snore) and warm hubby and went to the bathroom with the test. After the longest three minutes of my life, during which I checked facebook and imgur, I finally looked down at the little window. There it was. The faintest pink line I have ever seen. After the shock wore off (about 4 seconds) I ran back in and woke hubs up to see if he could see a line too. Remember it is 6am on a weekend. Needless to say he was not excited to be woken when I turned on the light and shined it in his face so he could see. It wasn’t really light outside yet. He confirmed the line and then told me he was excited and loved us and asked if he could go back to sleep. My eyes teared up a little over the ‘us’ part because with Max he would always call me ‘babies’ instead of baby and he stopped after we lost him (except for once right after by habit that made us both cry). I climbed back in bed and proceeded to try to get him to wake up for another hour by talking at him. I also texted my sister and alerted Ali to my news. Then gave up and slept for another couple hours. 

For some reason I never really trust the first test. Maybe I’m crazy. But today saw me up at 630 wide awake and ready to pee. The line today was stronger than Saturday and its official. I am pregnant! Again. With my second child. At 24. Can you tell it isn’t really sinking in yet? Hubby said he suspected I was on Friday because I was acting a little differently. I guess I have several symptoms I keep reminding myself of. Like emotions, Ladies and Gentlemen I can now cry on cue. I can think about puppies and tear up. Plus the end of last week I noticed my sex drive went from +++ to  -. Poor husband. It was like that the entire time last time too. Which sucks for both of us. Naps have also been happening, even with the B vitamins. Lastly is the greatest one that gets shared with everyone: gas. I never have it, that’s what hubs mentioned when he said he knew. Great. Not the indicator I would like to have. Again though, no morning sickness (yet?) which worries me a little because it was the same last time and we had problems. Maybe I am just lucky? Or have enough on my plate. According to the baby calculator this little gummybear should be due the end of January. I successfully avoided a Christmas baby and am currently 3 weeks 4. I'm not even sure that counts yet. I'm going to wait until I’m 6 weeks to call for an appointment. Just in case. 

Begin the 9 months of paranoia. Gladly. 

ps. I do NOT want to tell my mother! 

Vitamins

I have chronic tiredness. I'm not sure if that is a real name but I definitely have it. Ever since I was little I have slept between 10-12 hours a night when given my own way, and if I could swing it… naps. Even then I would wake up feeling like someone woke me up after only 3 hours. I’d wake up groggy and not at all ready to carpe diam. When I was pregnant this got even more out of control, and I’d bank 14 hours if I could. Because I have been this way since I was little I thought that was just my normal sleep pattern. Well guess again me! After getting dinged for MTHFR- which inhibits B vitamin absorption (ie energy) I started looking into supplements. The doctor put me on extra folic acid because that doesn’t work right either, and I went to our neighborhood Sprouts health store and bought Vitamin B capsules. I started taking them last week and let me tell you. I feel A-mazing! I wake up in the morning ready to get up; I'm awake, and alert. I have energy throughout the day and have been only getting a more normal 8 hours a night. But even if I was still sleeping the same length I no longer feel that I have been dragged under a bus when I wake up. The changes are phenomenal. So this is what it feels like to be normal! If (when) I get pregnant again I hope the little bugger doesn’t suck my newfound energy right back out… even if... I’d take it! 10 more days. Dun dun dun.

*Edit 5/30. The little bugger does indeed suck all that new energy right on out. 

UnMothers Day

I tried to completely ignore this Sunday, and for the most part I managed. This was not supposed to be how my Mother’s Day went. I was supposed to have a newborn. In my calendar hubby and I each guessed which day we thought Max would come, and I guessed Mother’s Day and he guessed the 10^th. I see that every time I put something new in the month of May.  Next year is our year. I know it. (or else God! Are you listening?) We are now in the 2 week wait. Though I’ll admit I have a feeling it isn’t time yet. We’ll see. I’d love to be wrong…

We spent the weekend in Palm Springs in the 100 degree weather. I thought it was heaven. Hubs thought it was Hell. Laying by the pool was blissful. And because I am the whitest shade of white a person can be, I liberally applied high spf to avoid coming back looking like a lobster. While we were out there we decided to spend the hottest part of the day, when you can barely function because of the heat, in the movie theater seeing The Avengers. Epic movie. I want to see it again soon!! Make sure if you see it to stay till the very end. There are two scenes during the credits. The drive there and back over the mountains was a nightmare for someone who doesn’t like heights and gets carsick… so my wonderful, amazing, saintly husband let me sleep on the way back while he drove. We got home Sunday afternoon and spent the rest of the day watching movies, making milkshakes, and laying in our chair.

Palm Springs!

Hubby and I decided to take a trip to Palm Springs this weekend to avoid focusing on the trifecta from hell. Due Date, 3 month anniversary, and Mother's Day. All within 4 days.

After staying up way too late last night watching Downton Abbey, and chatting with Ali about milestones and babies and 'Big Blue' I woke up early to take hubs to work so I can get him early and leave straight after without backtracking back home. We are going to hot tub, and go see the avengers, and lounge by the pool in the 90 degree weather. I cant wait!

Borrowing Better Words

This lady says is really well. She lost her son a couple months ago and describes ‘after.’

 “I hate having to live in this world without my baby.  It is complete and utter torture.  

And the people I see, bless their hearts, they don't understand.  

How could they?  

But they try... they ask how I'm doing, and me... I nod and say, "I'm fine." 

I'm a strong woman.  I know that I am.  

But I'm not okay.  Not right now. 

Am I living?  I guess... I'm keeping busy and putting on my happy face.

But losing a piece of your heart... sucks.  Bottom line. 

I'm trying to think of any way to describe what I'm feeling at this point. 

Lost, devastated, sick, mad, angry... 

Seeing parents pushing their kids in the grocery cart at the store is hard. 

Seeing kids in church is hard. 

Seeing any little boy and picturing what Tripp was or would be like at that age is hard. 

Seeing kids PERIOD, is hard. 

But what really irks my chain is when I (secretly) watch parents who are so ungrateful for their children.  Children are such a blessing.  I wish all parents would treat their kids like every single day was the last day they were going to see them.  Not every one is ABLE to have kids, and not everyone is gets the honor of being able to watch their kids grow up.  It's a gift.  I wish people would treat it that way.  

I will never be able to see my baby's first day of school. 

Or his graduation. 

Or see him get married. 

Or have kids of his own.  

There aren't words to explain what that feels like.”

http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/

The Dreaded Due Date

Today could have been the happiest of my life. Instead I am drinking my full strength coffee while I pay medical bills, I received that horrible ‘your baby is home’ due date discount email, and received the final autopsy report on our baby. Nothing says ‘No happy ending’ like getting kicked while you’re down. I find myself thinking ‘what if’ kind of scenarios or ‘if only’ thoughts and have to steer away because you can’t change the past. No amount of wishful thinking will make today anything other than what it is. Sad.

I feel like it would help if I knew I was pregnant again. But I don’t. I'm still in the ‘optimum week’ which means no testing till end of May at the earliest and even then no guarantees. The day I get a tiny little plus on that pee-stick is the day I probably have a mini breakdown. As most Moms-without-their-babies know… it will bring up all the insecurities and the terror that it will happen again. I don’t think I could handle losing another child late in the pregnancy. It’s hard to trust in flukes, and only a 1% chance of recurrence when I have been on the losing end of statistics before. It won’t cheer me up to say that 2.03 per 10000 births are affected by ABS (nailed it). Even fewer cases of banding cause death (lucky me). And 1 in 200 women experience a still birth (oh snap). So I seem to have won the crap-lottery and don’t want to hear about slim chances. My entire experience was a slim chance. Not only will low statistics not cheer me up, it will give me something else to worry about. Like I learned that if you have a child with a cleft there is a higher chance of having it happen again. Great. 

Now that I’m starting to get sarcastic, I know it’s time to wrap this misery train up.

I miss you my little man. I looked forward to today for 7 months, but you left early. But I’ll love you forever and ever because you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.

Ps. Ask God to give you a brother or sister soon. But make sure to tell Him that you want your sibling to stay down here with your parents and not up there with you yet. Boy or girl... you pick.  Mom and Dad love you tons. Give Dooley (now your dog) a kiss from me. 

Mom