Still To Be Born

-If your mother dies, people don’t say “You can always have another mother.” Then why is it all right to say you can always have another baby if your baby dies? 

I recently pulled one of my when-you-lose-a-child books of the shelf because I'm emotional and weird and went through and actually wrote down all the quotes I had highlighted in the book right after Max died. These words spoke to me then and now.

 -“Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he will not return to me.” ~ 2 Samuel 12:23

-I’m  not looking for answers anymore, but for something to remember. Merrit Malloy

There is a chapter on getting pregnant again after a loss and finally I can read it with it being true. The book covers feelings and reactions to expecting that all BLMs go through.

-You may defend your desire to get pregnant immediately by saying “I am totally aware of my baby that died, I don’t for a minute want to pretend that he never existed or that he can be replaced with another child. I just want a baby.” Probably a more honest statement is you want to be a mother. After physically and emotionally preparing yourself for these many months, you are eager for a child so that you can fulfill this role of mothering.

What is meant to be a special time in a woman's life may take on quite a different reality for you once you have suffered the loss of a child. You may look back to the former pregnancy and remember how thrilled you were with every new change in your body. Pregnancy was a wonderful time filled with idealistic dreams of the larger family you were soon to become. But all that is past now. No more do you approach each stage of pregnancy with a sense of wonder and excitement. Instead of reveling in the joy of an unfolding miracle, you may find yourself treading cautiously and fearfully-one step at a time- feeling nothing but relief as each step brings you closer to the end.

None of us know ahead of time how long we will have a child with us. It may only be for the span of time that the child is growing inside. It may be for only four days after the birth, or four years. We just don’t know. But if we can learn to appreciate what we do have while we have it, at least we don’t have to regret that we can think of nothing positive to remember about this little person’s life-before-birth. This baby you are now carrying also deserves to be remembered warmly for the joy that s/he brings you while still inside you. And because the tragic conclusion of your past pregnancy will tend to cloud your experience with this and future pregnancies, you will need consciously to make happen what came more naturally before.

Of course you won’t be able to make this experience exactly like the earlier one. But if you are willing to give up the notion that nothing can replace the experience you had, you will find that in this subsequent pregnancy life can unfold in ways that are new and different- and every bit as positive.

Those are words I am going to have to remind myself of this time around. This baby is different. And (she. My guess) deserves to be loved fully and I shouldn’t be afraid all the time and it’s not fair to compare (her) to Max all the time and with every new milestone. This baby is its own person and no one likes living in the shadow of their siblings.

-You just had a wonderful visit with a friend you know you are not going to see again for a long time. Just as you are about to say your goodbyes some other good friend that you’ve been anxious to see arrives. Your loyalties are divided. Your goodbyes with your friend are shortened. You find it difficult to immediately transfer your thoughts and interest to your newly arrived guest; you find yourself still preoccupied with the first visitor.

I still talk to Max sometimes, and think about him all the time. And have referred to the nursery more than once as Max’s room. I need to remember him but I need to stop wishing a different outcome, or dreaming of what could have been. It’s impossible not to remember he would have been a month old right now. I would have been exhausted and elated at having a family. Instead of being at square one with Gummybear.

-I found myself telling a friend that I felt I was luckier than a mutual friend who was unable to get pregnant. I had experienced the joy of being pregnant and giving birth. She hadn’t. It surprised me to realize that finally the joy of his too-short existence was greater than the burden of grief.

My doctor’s appointment is coming up. Next Wednesday finally. I have a long list of needs and wants to go over. Like extra monitoring, no tech ultrasounds- doctors only. I feel almost like I am gearing up for a fight with the doctor over my wants. I have (most likely unneeded) arguments in my head already prepared for “well I think you’ll be fine,” and “we are going to stick with a normal scan schedule.” I doubt the doctor will tell me no to anything I want but sadly I’m already defensive. And the fact that I’m going to be irrational no matter what statistics the doctor throws out. I’ve already been on that losing side.

-“But I know someone who smokes and her baby was nine pounds.” That’s right. And some people walk across the street on a red light and don’t get hit by a car.