Both Last Year and Yesterday

“One strange thing about Being In A Crisis, especially being at the center of one, is how everything else keeps moving along. You don’t think it will. You don’t see how it can. It felt like every other part of the world should have reacted to what had happened in mine. The nurses should have paused, traffic in the streets should have pulled over, just to acknowledge that for some reason, my life had changed. We crashed. Then we went on too. That’s the other thing about A Crisis. When you’re outside of it, not touched by it, you say ‘Oh, my God, how do they stand it? Poor things, how could they live through that?’ When it’s around you, in you, you simply do it. Because there is no choice. Only a next step.”

This was a passage in the book I read yesterday and I instantly brought me back to standing at the hospital window right after delivering Max, watching all the people walking around, eating lunch, laughing and talking. Safe in their own worlds where tragedy hadn’t struck. I remember thinking “how can they just go on, the world ended. It’s different and they all have no idea. How is there still happiness in this world?”

Now I feel removed from it. I can’t believe that happened to me. It seems like years ago, and at the same time only days ago. 

Thankfully this little one seems to be growing on track and healthily. I am so thankful for that. I have no idea how I could handle a repeat. I don’t need two angel babies. We are 14w3 today and I cannot wait to go to our Aug 13^th appointment and see this little one again (hopefully she shows us instead of just listening). And my Doppler should come this week and I am excited to use it and hear gummybear’s thump thump thump of a hummingbird heartbeat. Fingers crossed!