Week 18

·  Size of baby: Head to rump, your baby is about 5 1/2 inches long (about the length of a bell pepper) and he weighs almost 7 ounces.

·  Weight gain: Still don’t own a scale… I won’t get reweighed until the 17^th. Well go with I'm still in the negatives. 

·  Symptoms experienced: Nothing really pregnancy wise. Getting up from sitting it harder now without help, and sleeping is getting more uncomfortable. But still all manageable. 

·  How I feel: disappointed. Our big reveal for hubs family had to be scrapped because his aunt and uncle and cousin will unexpectedly be there and we were planning on telling any extended family. 

·  What I've been craving: Chicken alfredo  

·  What I miss: Things I can’t eat. Chicken alfredo. 

·  Best moment: Hubs talking to the baby and trying to get him to side with him, against mom. HA.

·  Items purchased: Nanny Mom gave us a TON of baby boy clothes. She went through the 3-6, and 6-9 clothes she had and passed down quite a bit. Lots still have tags!  

The mid-yawn picture is my favorite :)

Beyond Eden

Here is something I have heard, usually from Christian parents who have lost a child…You are given a rare and precious gift, which is this: You never again fear your own death. While most of the rest of us live day to day fearing our own death. Or at least struggling to ‘store up our treasure in heaven instead of loving the things of this world. But I’d guess your treasure is already there. It’s no longer an issue for you. …See here’s the thing, if you come to a time that you choose to let go of your pain, God will turn it inside out. Inside-out pain becomes empathy, and it becomes the greatest gift in the world for you to give to others. .. Your pain is shattering, and deep, and real. But if you can trust that God morns with you in this, instead of being the cause of it, the transformation can begin. It’s not something you do. It’s something you hand over.”

This was in a book I finished, that had nothing to do with child loss. But it was beautiful. And very true. I won’t have regrets on my death bed; I’ll have excitement to finally be reunited with the son I never got the chance to get to know.

My time so far with this baby is confusing. I keep accidentally referring to him by his brother’s name in thought and almost word. I have been receiving baby clothes from my Nannying Mom and am bitterly thinking of the son who cannot wear them. I talk to both my sons everyday and it will be strange and bittersweet when this one is born. Right now I think of them as ‘together’ because this one is between full life and existence and before birth. I think that means he has direct access to Heaven and his brother because he is as of yet ‘not of this world.’ When he is born he may forget the wisdom I think all babies have in the womb and he won’t remember his brother until we tell stories of Max to him. This has been a really emotional week and I am not even sure why. I do know I love both my sons and on Friday I cannot wait to see this one swimming on screen for us.

Week 17

·  Size of baby: He weighs 5 ounces now (about as much as a turnip), and he's around 5 inches long from head to bottom. He can move his joints, and his sweat glands are starting to develop.

·  Weight gain: 0 pounds. For a grand total of -8 pounds. But now even my loose shirts are tight over him.

·  Symptoms experienced: General moodiness and inability to stand quickly without getting dizzy. Can no longer comfortably lie on my back.

·  How I feel: Like this baby is actually going to happen.

·  What I've been craving: Gingerbread lattes.

·  What I miss: Laying on my back.

·  Best moment: Hubby got to feel him kick. I think baby thought it was a rock concert of play time because I get really good thumps that are easy to feel from outside.  And my other favorite was Hubby and I using our 7lb Max bear, Heffalump, as a baby to practice swaddling with the wraps.

·  Items purchased: Actually bought? Nada. Acquired? Tons. My nanny mom of my favorite two year old said she wanted to pass down everything they have. So she’s started going through and finding things for me to take. Yesterday I got 4 swaddling wraps (including the miracleblanket!), 150 disposable breast pads, stretch mark cream, two baby slings, a pregnancy pillow for my knees, two pairs of baby shoes and a unopened pack of socks. She said I’ll get her boppy and hand me down clothes from the boys. Perfect!

One of these days I will actually dress and do makeup for one of these pictures. I swear I don’t usually look as run down as I seem to on Wednesdays! 

I do pics on Wednesdays, but my official next week date is on Sunday.  So he turned 17 weeks Sunday. So we are 17.5

Brothers, Kits, and Gummybear

My brother is gone. Gone gone gone gone. Saying ‘finally’ is a little too strong. So I will stick with ‘huzzah’. He was a handful, an exhausting handful of 19 year old male who ‘knows everything.’ Everyday was go go go, to the store, to eat, to run errands, to visit places he wanted to see etc, and it was tiring. Being pregnant and on double time for a week means I will be sleeping for the next week just to catch up. A lot of it was fun, free meals everynight when my grandpa took us all out, and the zoo, and the beach were also fun. My brother is a chatterbox. Goes on and on about whatever opinion he has, and if I disagree he gets sulky and moody. That’s really draining on its own. In conclusion: one visit a year for a week is more than enough.

Test kit drama. My mom sent me one of my brothers spare kits, and I love it sooo much more than the OneTouch Ultra. I have switched to the freestyle lite and love it. The Ultra was giving me ridiculous readings that didn’t make any sense. A salad should not bump my number up over 130. With the ultra it reads about 144, with the lite it was 111. Much better. I tested on all three kits to see what would happen; mine, my old one, and my brothers and the Ultra was consistently 20-30 points higher. Its really frustrating. The diabetes coordinator at my hospital said stick with the lite and keep eating how I’m eating because it’s been super healthy.

Witchhazel on my face twice a day has done some kind of wonders for my skin. Acne is not completely gone but it is tame. 

Baby Gummybear kicks all the time now and I love it. Yesterday I held someone elses baby and mine kicked me in the rib right when I got her. Jealous child… I am YOUR mommy. 

Week 17(.5) stats tomorrow

Never Finish

This baby is not Max. This baby is not Max. This baby is not Max. My mind has accidently called him Max when I speak to my belly, and it only takes a split second to correct, but it still hurts. A boy after a boy. I have to remember that this baby is his own person. Not his brother. One of my favorite songs came on my iTunes and its true, my love just gets bigger, my love for this baby isn’t replacing Max’s love. My capacity for love is expanding just like my waistline.

Today is just another day

Take another breath in, hold it forever

I'm digging holes into my heart

Trying to find the very end

But I'm lost way down inside

So tell me again

'Cause I've waited forever to know

How deep down my love will go

And no matter how long I try to get it

It's the one thing that I'll never finish

Week 16

·  Size of baby: Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces.

·  Weight gain: 0 pounds from 4 weeks ago. Dr says it's ok though....

·  Symptoms experienced: A Godzilla pimple on my forehead that wont go away and hurts :(

·  How I feel: Currently sick. We have been sleeping with a humidifier on so  I can breathe.

·  What I've been craving: Tilapia. Crusted Tilapia. Success. Had coconut crusted tilapia last night.

·  What I miss: Not hiding my stomach.

·  Best moment: Finding out we were having another SON! 2 for two on boys.

·  Items purchased: My brother is in town. Once he's gone there is no stopping this baby train.

We Are Having A....!

My friend’s wedding was beautiful, creative, delicious, fun, and hot as blazes. It was held at a nut farm inland which meant it was 90 degrees at 5pm. Besides that and some pesky bugs it was amazing. The bride pulled up to the aisle in an old VW bus and emerged behind some closed opaque glass and waited for her cue. Watching the groom was fun, you could see the outline of the bride through the doors but not clearly and he was anxious. At last the doors opened and she emerged grinning ecstatically, ready to walk to him. The ceremony was only about 15 minutes which in my opinion is a perfect length. They wrote their own vows and traded them to become Mr. And Mrs. before dancing out down the aisle for pictures and the party. This girl made sure the reception had a couple of her favorite things. A ping pong table, a cotton candy machine, and a snow cone machine. How awesome is that? My friends turned their snow cones into beer-cicles which I was slightly jealous of. I had half an inch of a white zinf and still didn’t tell everyone our news even through my three closest friends were there… a. it was Chase’s wedding day, and b. I didn’t want to share yet. We all had a good time, enjoyed some delicious BBQ for dinner and stuffed money down the bride’s dress during the ‘fund the honeymoon-money dance.” After this really fun and really long night we went home and slept. 

Sunday hubs was helping with the sound at church and had to be there at 7am. Esh! I met him for the 9 service because I value my sleep, and we sat together and then met my family for brunch around 12:15. During brunch we made a spur of the moment decision to go meet our new nephew who was 4 days old. So we left brunch and drove 1.5 hours north to his brother’s house. This baby had so much hair and is a quarter Asian and looks it. I have a thing with Asian babies and had to restrain myself from sneaking him home with me. It was initially really hard to see him. I kept thinking how I should have a three month old son. And every time she said “you’ll see” or “wait until” or general advice it made me a little upset because I should already know. I guess I’m just really sensitive to this. When she was talking about being overwhelmed at the hospital she texted “my goal is to just get everyone home alive.” And I bet my reaction face was priceless. I started to laugh because it sounded crazy and halfway through my smile it immediately fell off my face and it hit me that I failed that goal. Three of us went into the hospital, two came home. I know she didn’t mean anything by it, but I still hear things and they hit home. It was fun to see him through, he was so tiny and squashy and all he did was sleep. After dinner we picked up the stroller and carseat we had shipped to them and headed home for some MUCH needed relaxation. 

Monday was our appointment, and our Dr is great, she went through all my questions, then took a peek at the baby to see if everything looks good. We asked about the gender and after much cajoling on mine and the Drs part this baby cooperated. We are having a BOY! (another boy)! I’m happy and sad, sad because 2 for 2 are boys… will I ever get a girl? And Max was a boy, so this feels sadly similar and I’m trying to differentiate between the two babies because this one is NOT a replacement. He is his own person. Happy because this one looks healthy and happy in there wiggling around. And sad again because I love pink and live for ruffles and bows.

Now my brother is in town and that’s a whole other post!