Beyond Eden

Here is something I have heard, usually from Christian parents who have lost a child…You are given a rare and precious gift, which is this: You never again fear your own death. While most of the rest of us live day to day fearing our own death. Or at least struggling to ‘store up our treasure in heaven instead of loving the things of this world. But I’d guess your treasure is already there. It’s no longer an issue for you. …See here’s the thing, if you come to a time that you choose to let go of your pain, God will turn it inside out. Inside-out pain becomes empathy, and it becomes the greatest gift in the world for you to give to others. .. Your pain is shattering, and deep, and real. But if you can trust that God morns with you in this, instead of being the cause of it, the transformation can begin. It’s not something you do. It’s something you hand over.”

This was in a book I finished, that had nothing to do with child loss. But it was beautiful. And very true. I won’t have regrets on my death bed; I’ll have excitement to finally be reunited with the son I never got the chance to get to know.

My time so far with this baby is confusing. I keep accidentally referring to him by his brother’s name in thought and almost word. I have been receiving baby clothes from my Nannying Mom and am bitterly thinking of the son who cannot wear them. I talk to both my sons everyday and it will be strange and bittersweet when this one is born. Right now I think of them as ‘together’ because this one is between full life and existence and before birth. I think that means he has direct access to Heaven and his brother because he is as of yet ‘not of this world.’ When he is born he may forget the wisdom I think all babies have in the womb and he won’t remember his brother until we tell stories of Max to him. This has been a really emotional week and I am not even sure why. I do know I love both my sons and on Friday I cannot wait to see this one swimming on screen for us.